Making the decision to try couples therapy is a massive and brave step.
I remember when, years ago, my partner at the time and I chose to see a therapist. I felt so defeated, utterly helpless and lost. The pain I was in was amplified a hundredfold by the feeling that we weren’t capable of handling our issues and needed external help — that we were not only defective, but defeated.
Both of us were very anxious in the run-up to our intake appointment. Will this new person see us and connect with us? Will they “take sides”? Can they lead us safely through the impossible knot that we felt our relationship had become?
These same questions hang in the air today when I meet a new couple in my practice in Amsterdam — and staying connected with the part of me who once faced them helps me actually be there for my clients.
What is the goal of a therapy intake meeting?
The intake meeting is a core part of the couples therapy process, and its goal is deceptively simple: both sides, client and therapist, need to establish whether we’re a good fit for each other. In terms of the science of attachment, this matters a great deal — the quality of the therapeutic alliance is a significant factor in a successful therapy outcome (Johnson & Talitman, 1997). But speaking plainly, it’s a chance to get a feeling for one another.
Can you imagine me joining you in your darkest, most stuck place? Do you feel you could trust me? And from my side — do I feel I could join you in your world and really see life through your eyes? Do I have the internal resources and experience to face what you are facing?
If the intake meeting has gone well, both you and I should have more clarity on these questions.
What questions do therapists ask during a couples intake?
There isn’t really a set script, and every therapist will have their own approach based on their modality — but there are general areas you can expect to come up.
Understanding your relationship
As an Emotionally Focused therapist who works mainly with expats, my goal at the intake isn’t only to understand your histories and cultural backgrounds as a couple, but also to get a picture of the emotions that organise you. Questions like these will almost always come up, as a way to go beyond what first brought you in:
“How long have you been together?”
“What relationship format are you in (monogamous, consensual non-monogamy)?”
“How did you meet?”
“What did you like about each other when you met?”
“What does conflict look like for you?”
Many of the couples I see in Amsterdam and online are international expats, navigating a relationship without the network of friends or family they’d normally lean on. How isolated or supported you feel — and how that affects your relationship — can also be explored here.
Setting your relationship goals
“How would you know therapy is successful? What would change in your life?”
“Are you happy with the level of intimacy between you, and how would you wish it to change?”
What NOT to expect from your intake meeting
Speaking of expectations, there are a few things that definitely won’t happen in the intake meeting.
A courtroom
I have a lot of compassion for the pain that has brought you to therapy, but I am not a judge, and I won’t review the evidence on who is right or wrong between you. If I did, it would hurt the process in the long run.
Choosing sides
It can be tempting to emphasise how much you’ve been wronged and how the relationship has hurt you. That’s more than normal — it’s an attempt to have your pain heard, and connecting with that pain is part of the process. But you’d be disappointed if you expected me to “take sides” and ally with you to “fix” your partner. That doesn’t work as a therapeutic approach, and it leads to further rupture.
A quick fix
The intake is an important step, but therapy is a co-creative process of change. Try not to expect that you’ll leave this one meeting with a whole new understanding of your dynamic, or a single defining insight. Sometimes a meaningful, therapeutic insight does arrive in the intake — but that’s the exception rather than the rule, and the chances are you won’t solve your biggest conflict in 50 minutes.
How to prepare for your couples therapy intake
This looks different for different therapists, so do feel free to ask whoever you’re contacting. At Path Within Therapy, the process is simply for us to agree on a time and date to meet — no other obligation from your side is necessary.
I’d suggest sharing this website with your partner, so they’re not caught off guard by the cost of therapy or the way I work. It also helps to talk through a shared goal and your individual perspectives beforehand, so no new conflict arises over different expectations.
Next steps
Towards the end of the intake, there’s usually a brief conversation about how often to meet and what comes next. Two of the most common questions are “How often should we come?” and “How many sessions do you think we’ll need?” There’s no set answer — it depends on what you, as a couple, are dealing with. As a guideline, I’ve seen the fastest progress with couples who come weekly or every other week, but progress is possible in other rhythms too; it depends on the resources of the relationship.
There are forms to fill in, but those come later. For now, have a conversation with your partner and share honestly how the meeting felt. Ask, and listen. You don’t need to have it all figured out. Confusion, ambivalence, and doubt — all of it is welcome in the room. The first step isn’t a commitment; it’s simply a conversation.